Hidup kurang ekspektasi.
Pernah nggak ngerasa orang-orang ngga banyak harapan sama kalian sampe rasanya nggak pengen ngusahain apa-apa?
To be honest. I'm kinda being too comfy with my life right now. I don’t know what should I do to step up and "being an adult". I only got one part-time job and I’m not too good at it. I’m not managing my money well, I just use it cause I have monthly allowance from my family. Until now. I’m a woman and in Islam, the men in the family is responsible for providing nafkah (living cost) for the family, including the women. No matter if she’s an adult already. But it’s not just about money, actually. It’s about me and myself, me and what I want to do with my life. I can’t sit around and watching K-shows all day. It’s wasting my time, my youth, my good valuable youth.
This is funny, when I look at it again. How I always have some time for myself before jump to another work. 2 years before university. Half-a year before graduated from university. And now? Now until when?
Masalahnya kamu belum getol nyarinya Hanifa, itu dia. Saya belum memperbarui CV, belum terlalu aktif mengirim lamaran kerja, akun LinkedIn belum diisi apa-apa. Bahkan ngga terlalu paham gunanya akun LinkedIn itu apa, bagaimana cara kerjanya menghubungkan orang-orang. Dan umi jadi selalu khawatir. Rasanya my value becoming less and less. I mean, what can I offer to the employer? What kind of job u looking for, Hanifa?
Quarter life crisis. Kata salah satu rekan saya di Green Masjid Indonesia, tenang aja, masih lama kok. Masalahnya, oke, masalah lagi, plis stop using that term. Dia taunya saya baru lulus kuliah. Memang. Nyatanya, quarter life year sebentar lagi buat saya. This year I’m turning 25. Itu sering ditanyain pas lagi wawancara kerja, kenapa ada gap antara tahun masuk kuliah dan usia saya.
A late bloomer?
Well.. if you put it that way, it doesn’t seem too bad. Wait, How can you are turning 25 while you just graduated from uni on the 9th semester? Well. It’s because it took me 2 full years trying to get in a good government-owned university in this country. I don’t regret it, just wondering why I’m this clueless despite all the difficulties I had overcame in the past.
Dan jadi keingat waktu saya nanyain ke salah satu teman saya soal apakah besok dia akan ke kampus (karena katanya mau) dan berniat minjem buku dari dia, ternyata jawabannya dia lagi mengalami 'anxiety attack' and I was like, ’ok, I’ll be here if u want to talk.’
She didn’t read that message. Actually, I kinda expected that. I knew from experience. Matter-of-fact, anxiety can happen anytime. Even when u think u shouldn’t be anxious. Even when others desperately jealous of your achievements. Your personality. Your life.
Saya keinget juga sama kata-kata adik soal temannya yang dicopot dari pimpinan salah satu organisasi di kampusnya, setelah cerita, tiba-tiba Zaky komentar, “Yah, dia tu orangnya..gimana ya..nggak stabil, sih, suka tiba-tiba..” pas dia berhenti untuk berpikir, mencari kata-kata yang tepat, saya nyambung, “ suka tiba-tiba ngilang kalo lagi stres? Ngga bisa dihubungin? Ngga dateng acara atau rapat?” “Ya gitu,”
Kenapa saya bisa menebak dengan tepat?
Man, because that is exactly what I used to do when I was under distress. Closing out other people and selfishly ignoring my duties. But I think I get what he meant. Karena setiap orang pasti mengalami masalah. Daily. Life is a series of problem solving, like Aida Azlin said in her weekly newsletter. The way you react to problems that makes the difference. Tells about what kind of person you are.
Perhaps, it’s also, in my case, the flaw of imaginative people. Every writer is imaginative. They should be, or they’re not going to be a writer. Like Austin Kleon said in his blog,
“The trouble with imaginative people is that we’re good at picturing the worst that could happen to us. Fear is often just the imagination taking a wrong turn.”
How precise is that!
Now I just have to consciously control my imagination.
Wait. That simple?
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